Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
