If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
