just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
