he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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