she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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