Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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