I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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