My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i love accidental penises.
it was like eating out sand paper
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
