turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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