He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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