And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
how does that bad decision feel?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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