she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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