i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
