I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just want to make out with him forever
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
