WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
