so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We had to coat check the pizza.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
