do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
