the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
