we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
