I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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