it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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