Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
