he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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