I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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