oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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