i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
