Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
