I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
