I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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