Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
