I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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