I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
