i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
