sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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