Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
