I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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