You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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