I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...