Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.