I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.