i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Oh god it's open bar.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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