i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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