Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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