someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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