I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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