So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
