Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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