How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
