Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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