Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
