just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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