The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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