a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
