I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
