I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
