wrigley field is MILF paradise
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
