i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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