The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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