I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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