You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
