so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
