i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
